過了一整個搞不清楚狀況的高長第一天，今天總算跟 VS 和 R 相認了，不過他們也沒什麼太理我，自顧自的查完房後就散光了，後來被 call 進刀房上刀，早上只做了 neck dissection 後，我因為要跟門診就先出來了。下午的門診也是站，一整天站下來只有個累字，過去在 clerk 時的熱情，經過半年多的消磨，似乎已經殆盡。
Its hard for me to recall that the day, March 29th, one year ago, I was trying to deny, to escape, to hold my tears. Something affecting me so much had just happened to me. I held my little bedquilt covering my face, trying to wipe and hide tears on my face, trying to concentrate on the co-notes which were the content of tomorrows exam. But I couldnt, really…
I had finished the OPH clerk training this week. At the OPD and the operation room, I studied very hard. The nurse said she hadn't seen any clerk as earnest as me. Oneday, Dr. Lin asked if I'd like to become a ophthalmologist. I answered that may not be possible because I wasn't at the top. "The grade isn't the most important thing.", he said, "It's more important to marry a good wife."
Sigh, at this time, at this department, how couldn't I think about Kilo and feel sad when hearing this.
qq invited many of the club’s elder members to have a dinner. I didn't know Kilo will attend. I thought qq knows what I was thinking. But beyond our expectations, ocell invited her. (my guess) When she told me about that at the place we waited each other, I was stunned. After a while of thinking, I decided not to appear. I feared of meeting Kilo and spoiled the happiness of their meeting.
I left and after I bought my dinner, Kentu called and told me that Kilo left too. Even so, I still didn't go to meet them. My mind was messed up. I thought Kilo didn't have to go. Her leaving appears that she really don't understand me thoroughly. Did she think her sacrifice could make me relaxed and going back?
But maybe I really don't understand her thoroughly either. She might think my action as a sacrifice, and I also messed up her mind. That's the reason she left. But what should I do? How could I treat everything just as fine and not happened?! How could I watch them talking, laughing and enjoy the dinner?!
Maybe many people think my reaction is very immature, but that's me and my belief. Yes, we don't understand each other. And the situation may last, forever.
During the period of my separation with Kilo, I read many articles about love. There is a good sentence that affact me very much. It says,
"Between a separated couple, the only thing to maintain is DEMEANOR, not CONTACT."
Because the other side knows you very much, maybe knows the most in the world. What you like, the most private of you, etc. You can not become the original status forever. So, maintain only the demeanor, no contact.
Last Chinese Valentine’s Day, I designed a cover based on the picture above and ordered two EasyCards for Kilo and me as the Valentine’s gifts. I also used the picture as my laptop’s background image since then. Today, when I was using my laptop, my mom walked behind me and saw that image. She said that Kilo and I look very alike. My brother was nearby and he agreed with her.
Haha… does it mean that we are so-called “husband-and-wife faces” ?
2006.02.11 UPDATE: The pictures below are my background and the card cover.
On the way back home from Liu-Ying, I heard a bad news about my classmates turbo and pp. They separated while we were having the final exams.
I was so shocked as hearing this. They seemed very well in the school and I don’t even hear that they had any arguments. Although their parents don’t like each other, that’s a old news many years ago. I think they will finally overcome the problem all the time. At last, they still separated. ‘They are not match each other in many fields.’ said Chang-Guei (章桂). I don’t know the status of their interaction, so I can’t say anything. I’m a little sad hearing this.
But there are still something nice heard recently. Chang-Guei got in love with Yuan-Chun (遠均) also at the final-exam period. It is amazing for me. I don’t know that they do something together and don’t think they will be with each other. Anyway, bless them having a happy life. Jie-Yang (傑陽) is also be with a junior school syster. I am still confused about the reason of the separation of he and Shin Dung (董欣), but wish they both can find their own happiness. (Jie-Yang does, and Shin-Dung… Hehe, it is said that there are so many of my classmates are willing to do anything for her. :p)
During the Clerk training, I had heard so many interesting things I don’t know. Maybe living in the First Boy Dorm separates me from my classmates so much and so long. It may be the chief shortcoming of the First Boy Dorm.